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"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." --Julian Clary

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"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another." --George Carlin


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