Humor
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Confucius Says
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more
Two Engineering Students
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second ...Read more
Eggplants
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 each -- three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix ...Read more
Left Handed
Little Ricky was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just ...Read more
Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty. "Who's...Read more
For The Kids...
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
Laryngitis
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
Life Changing Thoughts
* Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
* If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos.....then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
* Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
* Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the ...Read more
A Dog at the Movies
Following a woman with a dog out of the movie theater, a man stopped her and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was amazed that your dog seemed to get into the movie so much. He cried at the right spots, moved nervously at the boring spots, and laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied. "I find ...Read more
A Poem for Women
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned ...Read more
Work Equations
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Showing Property
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well ...Read more
Workplace Haikus
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
countless others exist
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
Windows 7 crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again
The...Read more
Make Life More Enjoyable
- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
- Avoid parking tickets by ...Read more
Confucius Says
- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.
- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.
- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more
Motorcyclist
A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day. The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.
They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and ...Read more
Quick Quotes
"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out." --Julian Clary
---
"Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where...Read more
That's the Way the Ball Bounces
"I saw you throwing the ball for the dog outside this morning," I said to my husband. He was making himself some eggs while the dog lay panting on the floor.
"I did!" he said enthusiastically.
"You used the wrong ball," I said, walking past him to pet the panting dog.
"What do you mean?"
"You threw the green ball that has the treats inside...Read more
Queen Size
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Caesar Salad Now Legal!
WASHINGTON, DC -- California decriminalized the sale of Caesar salad this week -- and it's not a moment too soon, the Libertarian Party said today.
"When you outlaw Caesar salad, only outlaws will eat Caesar salad," noted the party's Director of Communications, Bill Winter. "That's why, on the issue of Caesar salad, we Libertarians have always ...Read more