Respect Is The Foundation For Healthy Relationships
Q: Do you have any advice for a newly married stepmom trying to build connections? My husband's kids aren't warming up to me no matter what I do. Help!
Jim: Let's acknowledge up front: Being a stepmom may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. No matter why the previous marriage ended, it often takes children a long time to adjust to someone new. Meanwhile, everybody's uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepchildren can thrive if you'll make respect your primary goal.
Many stepmoms respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother/child relationship. That's understandable -- but it seldom works. If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it'll drive them further away. They just aren't ready for that relationship.
Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley have both walked this challenging road. They suggest a practical approach in their book "But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother" -- rather than attempting to take on the full role of "mom" right away, interact with the kids more like a loving aunt or even a camp counselor. That usually minimizes the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother/child bond. When you emphasize mutual respect as the primary goal, the loving relationship you're seeking will have a chance to develop more naturally.
Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the process by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together, and model equal respect toward every member of the blended family.
We offer a range of tips, tools and resources for stepparents at FocusOnTheFamily.com. If you'd like to discuss specific questions with our staff counselors in a one-time free consultation by phone, call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays.
Q: What do I do when my toddler throws an all-out tantrum in the grocery store or a restaurant?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Responding to a toddler's tantrum can feel embarrassing and quickly spike your stress level! But you're not alone -- about 90% of toddlers have ongoing tantrums before age 5, many occurring in public.
Toddlers are in the process of learning how to be patient, self-controlled and adaptive. Tantrums usually come when a child is tired, hungry, hyper-focused, bored or trying to manage their wants that feel like needs (i.e., wanting a toy or candy). These are growth opportunities, requiring your guidance, patience, and a response instead of a reaction.
Before you go out with your toddler, ask four questions:
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