Ask Amy: Estrangement extends through generations
After 10 years with him, you might have had opportunities to affect this dynamic to some degree, but you don’t seem eager to exert yourself, either.
The non-communicative conflict style followed by low or no-contact is something he learned at home. Estrangement is extremely common, and yes – it does run in families, oftentimes through generations.
I suggest that he concentrate on trying to repair the relationship with his children. You can be helpful here by working on developing a braver and more functional communication style, by supporting his efforts, and by encouraging him to keep trying, with an open and loving attitude.
If these daughters have aligned with their mother, they might have been lied to and their own spirits and relationships poisoned.
He should patiently try to rewrite the faulty narrative with the hopes of creating a new story line with this generation.
I appreciate the work of Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer, Ph.D., whose book, “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” (Avery, 2022) offers scholarship illustrating this common phenomenon, as well as compassionate and practical advice for how to attempt reconciliation.
Dear Amy: My fiancé and I are getting married this summer. My fiancé “William” is in his mid-30’s. He has one brother, “Sam,” who is 25.
William has asked five friends to be groomsmen at the wedding – some are from childhood and some from college. He really wanted to have men with him who have been extremely important in his life.
He did not ask Sam to be in the wedding because he is significantly younger.
William and Sam have a good relationship and frankly, he didn’t think Sam would be bothered at all not to be asked.
...continued
